Cannon Story

“I just don’t get why ya gotta shoot me out of your cannon.”

“Now, I’ve explained this to you before; I have a certain hobby. It involves shooting people out of cannons. Generally speaking, I can only fit smaller individuals into my cannon, and you are of a smaller stature. In addition, it is much easier to overcome people who are weaker than I, which you also are. Therefore, you are the ideal choice to shoot out of my cannon.”

“But why does it gotta be people that you shoot out of your cannon? Why can’t you shoot, I dunno, a bunch of spoons or building blocks? Spoons and building blocks don’t got feelings, ya know. The only way you’d hurt something that has feels is if you accidentally shot someone with your cannon.”

“If I shoot random objects out of my cannon, it will not satiate my needs in the same way. It must be a living, sentient creature that I shoot out of my cannon.”

“…what’s ‘sentient?’”

“’Sentient,’ my unlearned friend, means that the subject matter is self-aware, or conscious.”


“Anything that thinks. So your spoons and blocks are totally out of the question.”

“Oh, okay. Gotcha. Well, don’t you think that shooting me out of your cannon isn’t the nicest thing in the world to do? That it’s probably gonna mess me up pretty bad? I might not even be able to go to work tomorrow! Or what if I landed on my head, and I died? Who’s gonna tell my family that you shot me out of your cannon? And then there’s gonna be a police investigation into your actions, et cetera… I mean, even if I don’t die. I’ll probably tell the cops what you did. Probably not a good time for you.”

“You have a point… Therefore, I will not shoot you out of my cannon.”

“Thanks for that.”

“You may thank me by not reporting my kidnapping you to the police.”

“Yeah… can’t really promise you that one.”

“You might want to; I might be inclined to shoot you out of my cannon, should you not choose to confirm that you will stay silent about my actions.”

“…well, when you put it that way… Sure, mum’s the word, or whatever.”

“I regret to inform you that I’ve already lit the fuse. Now I’m going to remove myself from this local vicinity so that I am not struck when you blast off. Goodbye.”

“Well, this sucks.”