So yeah. I haven’t written any blogs in a while. I’m still doin’ the school thing, and not much else. I’ve been depressed for a bit. Since like the middle of last Fall, I lost my motivation to get much of anything done, and I’m barely getting done the things I’m supposed to do, school-wise. I’ve been sinking further in, even as I try to get out (“try” being an iffy verb). There are things I know I should do, there are things I would like to do, there are things that are suggested to me that I do… I just don’t do them.
It’s not that I don’t want to usually, too. It’s just that I don’t. On the days that I’m not required to go anywhere, I just sit around in my bedroom, in my pajama bottoms and a shirt, and stare at the computer screen. Or play Terraria. That’s one that’s been taking some time lately. I’ve had a couple interviews, but I haven’t heard anything back. Probably gonna have to take out a student loan, though I really don’t want to…
How does one get the motivation and energy back that one had six years ago? I used to run all the time. I used to ignore all the warning signals in my brain as I signed paperwork and my life away. I used to want to find someone. Seeing videos of me from 6 years ago and me from this past year, I used to be a lot thinner.
I guess I know I put in the effort before, and it led to some of the worst years of my life. So now, I want to be lazy all the time. It just sapped everything that I had, and it doesn’t seem to be coming back. Like, I put all the effort I had into those years, and now my body wants to catch up on laziness.
The world is stupid. Politics are stupid and complicated. The right answer is not obvious, though many want to pretend that it is. How many people out there actually want to mediate this nonsense? At times, I think I do, but at other times, I just have no patience, and I turn on asshole mode to protect myself. I don’t know how many times I can take one party trying to reason and explain their positions, and then the other party calling them such and such thing, and outright dismissing them because of that label. I don’t know how patient I can be with people who have decided they are right, and the other party is wrong, regardless. Some people really ware on my desire to remember the humanity in everyone.
Then I turn into Todd up there. At least in my head. Maybe in my tweets, too.
I remember when I used to need to be right all the time. I remember the satisfaction of proving my intellectual superiority. I remember being straight out of High School, and thinking I know everything. Now, I think it’s a waste of time. Now, I think that claiming that certain demographics are smarter than others is nonsense, because different people have different experiences, and different kinds of knowledge. One can be extremely knowledgeable about his own world, but not begin to understand the nuances of another. As far away as one galaxy is from another, so is one person’s mind to the next, or further.
I have a headache.